After months of speculation, Gary Cantrell aka Lazarus Lake recently announced his candidacy for President of the United States. In a hastily arranged news conference at Frozen Head State Park in Tennessee, where most of the world’s press was assembled anyway, Lake made his stunning announcement.
“After directing the Barkley Marathons since 1986, persuading hundreds of people to run loops around my dog’s backyard, and walking across the United States, I have come to the conclusion that people just aren’t that smart. As a result, I am announcing my candidacy for President,” explained Lake.
Lake considered a fairly long list of running mates at first but then decided to limit the field to only Barkley finishers. Initially, Jared Campbell of Utah was the hands-down choice but due to his environmentalism, most notably his activism about cleaning up the air in Salt Lake City, Lake concluded that Campbell might be too divisive. David Horton was also briefly considered but unfortunately Lake wasn’t able to get in touch with Horton in time as a result of Horton’s dependence on a flip phone and his propensity for riding his bicycle for 24 hours at a time. Ultimately, Blake Wood emerged as the obvious choice.
“Anybody who can come up with the algorithm for the Hardrock 100 lottery and then calculate the odds of getting in off the Never waitlist clearly has the chops to fix our ailing economy and let’s face it, I am not a numbers guy!” said Lake.
Wood, reached on holiday in the Central African Republic, quickly commented, “It will be my honor to serve at the feet of such a remarkable leader as Laz.”
Cantrell is, not surprisingly this early in his candidacy, being somewhat circumspect in his policy declarations. Yet, the press corps can make some assumptions based on those who he has appointed as his closest advisors.
“Look, I know that I haven’t always been as willing to embrace women as potential Barkley finishers but that doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re capable. That is why I’ve hired Amelia Boone as my chief legal counsel and Bev Anderson-Abbs as my wardrobe consultant.”
Additionally, Lake understands the importance of communications and marketing when it comes to launching a Presidential campaign and has hired Jamil Coury to be his communications director.
“The truth is, I know everyone in the sport and I work all the time,” said Coury when he was finally reached for comment in the TV studio he built in the back of his pizza truck. “I know for certain that in order for Laz to communicate directly with his base he needs to be creating content 24/7 so who better to do that than me, a guy who never sleeps.”
In the coming weeks, we will undoubtedly hear more about the plans of the Lake/Wood ticket and some of the policy decisions they hope to make but, in the meantime, Laz fever is quickly sweeping the country and even spilling over the border.
“I am a very proud Canadian,” said Gary Robbins when he was notified of Lake’s intentions, “but I must say, if Laz becomes President I will defect to the States in a second.”
AJW’s Beer of the Week
This week’s Beer of the Week comes from Wiseacre Brewing Company in Memphis, Tennessee. Known for their uniquely flavored brews, Wiseacre’s Memphis Sands lager is one of the most unique lagers I’ve tasted. Both sweet and malty, this decidedly non-bitter lager is smooth-drinking and fine-tasting.
Call for Comments (from Meghan)
- What policies would you like to see Lake and Wood announce their positions on?
- And, really, will you vote for these two?